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For most of human history romantic relationships never lead to marriage.
The only 'marriages' were arranged by families to keep the wealth secure within the clans.
The
idea of marrying for love, didn't exist. Marrying for love would have
been considered foolish, everyone knew romantic 'love' didn't
last.
It was generally considered acceptable to have lovers
for romance, and the arranged marriage for the propogation of the
wealth and the family.
For romance, one enjoyed a lover and promptly ended the relationship as soon as it became power struggley.
The power struggle really came into play when the much more modern idea of marrying for romantic "love" became the accepted norm.
We have come to know that the power struggle stage is a powerful and necessary stage in loving relationships, with a purpose never before realized.
All love relationships have three necessary
stages, the romantic love stage, the power struggle stage and
ultimately real love, conscious relationship.
Most couples
never get past the power struggle. We either avoid the power struggle
stage by leaving the relationship, or lead parallel lives within the
relationship.
Some couples power struggle with each other for the rest of their lives.
So
why does love relationship have to look so unlike love ? Because
embarking on a committed love relationship is just like embarking on
any spiritual path.
Anything unhealed in our lives is calling to us for acknowledgement and healing.
Committed relationships can be viewed as a path to freedom. (Now there's a twist for those commitment shy ones.)
A conscious relationship is one where the couple realizes that there are stages on the journey to a conscious union
and
that the power struggle stage is an opportunity to heal energy
blockages resulting from our reactions to wounding suffered in
childhood.
The childhood wounding resulted in self rejection. We
made choices to hide, abandon, loose and even fear those rejected,
although innocent parts of ourself in order to survive.
We are all wounded in one way or another, leaving us feeling isolated and alone.
Out of our wounding we wound and re-wound each other, often without even knowing it.
So we go about searching for wholeness, for real love.
As
we mature into adulthood, Nature supports us in finding a partner with
just the right dovetailing character adaptations and reactions to
childhood wounding that we need to re-visit and heal our own childhood
wounds.
During the romantic stage of adult love relationship the couple feels whole, safe and alive,
because they each embody the missing, hidden and lost parts of each other.
The dovetailing effect of embodying eachothers missing parts, which is so comforting in the beginning stages,
becomes a source of fear and struggle later in the relationship. Our coping behaviors for our wounding dovetail also.
The
resulting pain of this dovetailing is the source of much of the power
struggle. Examples pack rat/clean freak; extrovert/introvert.
The attraction of romance bonds the partners into relationship in order to do the real work of love relationships
which is to finish living in reaction to childhood and BE HERE NOW.
The 'wounded selves' sense in the partner the qualities needed to heal the wounds left over from childhood,
so that together the couple can journey from an unconscious relationship to a conscious relationship.
Only then can they consciously journey through the power struggle to real love.
The power struggle intensifies as soon as the couple settles into commitment.
The power struggle stage of relationship feels extremely threatening because what we need in order to feel whole (be present)
is exactly what we were denied in childhood, and what we need most is what our partners are least able to give.
Why?
Because
of their dovetailing wounding. For most of us in the power struggle it
looks and feels like our partner is deliberately trying to hurt
us. What looks and feels like an attack is in fact
our partner's coping behavior in response to their reactions
to their childhood wounding, dovetailing with our own coping behavior.
Daring to trust that our partner will give us the nurturing and unconditional love our care givers were unable to give,
leaves us feeling vulnerable and afraid that we will be abandoned, rejected, neglected, disregarded, abused or
whatever the original wounding was, all over, again and again.
The power struggle will show up in every committed love relationship,
so it makes sense to work through the one you are in.
Of course it's possible to grow without being in relationship, but if you choose committed relationship,
you
will attract a partner with dovetailing wounding in order to heal the
wounds that blocked your freedom of expression as children.
During the power struggle stage of adult relationship the wounds left over from childhood flare up
and
hinder us and our partners from experiencing the relaxation of real
love. We begin to see our beloved as the antagonist!
The good news is, conflict is healing wanting to happen! It is important to note that the very character adaptations
that served to protect us while growing up are now being called upon to, Let Go! They no longer serve to protect.
Realizing that the purpose of the power
struggle stage is to heal the reactionary behavior to wounds sustained
while growing up,
and understanding the need for the dovetailing effects of each persons childhood wounding,
opens a space for real communication, real empathy, real safety, real healing on the journey to real love relationship.
That
doen't mean that differences disappear, no differences are always
present. What changes is your reaction to the differences.
You can respect the differences, feel unthreatened by them, and realize there's no need to change anything.
You'll notice its your reactions to the differences that changes.
You'll be present and in a conscious relationship.
The power struggle is a necessary stage on the journey to Real Love.
Article by Audrey Pearson
Inspired by a Clinical Training in Imago Relationship Counseling.
Transform your relationships,12 session minimum, $90.00 per session.
Update: The above article was written for the Spirit of Change Magazine
circa approximately 1997. Since then I have been studying, growing and
changing through the continuation of my relationship with my partner
James within the context of my amrit yoga practices and philosophy.
Nowadays the work feels simplified by the awareness of staying present,
in acceptance of all that is as is, far more emphasized in the current
work.
Call Audrey 508-532-0858
